Saturday, May 12, 2007

Lindsay's Look at Celebrity Scandal

What will you be doing on June 5? Hanging out at the beach? Working a crappy summer job for minimum wage? Beginning a 45 day jail sentence?

Paris Hilton probably thought she'd be spending her summer shopping at Kitson, staggering home from club openings or shooting magazine spreads wearing little to no clothing. Instead, she is beginning day one of 45 glorious incarcerated days in an L.A. County jail.

Hilton was sentenced on May 4 after violating her probation, stemming from her arrest for a DUI earlier this year. In March, she was pulled over and found to be driving despite having her license suspended.

A world without Paris Hilton? I mean, she's not dead or anything, but for a month and a half we get to return to the life we once knew and loved with having to hear "that's hot" every other minute. Remember years ago when Paris was just a snobby socialite with no career who only turned up occasionally on Page Six? The air was a little cleaner, the sun, a tad brighter, and you could watch E! for hours on end without catching a rerun of "The Simple Life."

Although one could be quick to assume that Miss Hilton could get off easy using her celebrity status, it seems that the judge (aka Man of the Year) has made sure that Paris will not be permitted to use any form of alternative jail, electronic monitoring (instead of jail), or let out for work release. So mark your calendars for your Paris Vacation, because for 45 days there will be not one new TV show, movie, magazine ad, or porno starring the heiress.

In another unsurprising story, it seems that Lindsay Lohan's partying has finally caught up to her. No, she's not going back to rehab…at least not yet. Allegedly, one of Lindsay's friends has released photos of them in a bathroom stall together at a club, where the 20 year-old actress can be seen snorting cocaine and then shoving it up her friend's nose.

Her "friend" has also released very public statements letting out all the dirty details about Lindsay's very active sex life with men nearly twice her age. "I remember looking at her and thinking how pathetic she looked and how out of control she had become. That's why I'm showing this video," said the source. "So the world can know what Lindsay has been doing and she can't lie about it to herself or anyone else."

What a shocker. Lindsay Lohan is doing drugs. And everyone thought that she dropped all that weight with yoga and a sensible diet. It's not even the fact that she has been caught doing drugs that is shocking. If La Lohan had just continued down the path that everyone predicted, we'd be hearing about the release of a homemade sex tape, not a bathroom drug binge.

If you're in the mood for a binge, just be careful to stay away from Kirsten Dunst. Allegedly, she and dirty rocker boyfriend Johnny Borrell were in a buffet-style line for brunch and felt that they deserved to cut in line ahead of seven other people, including some that were senior citizens.

First of all, what is Dunst doing at a buffet anyways? It seems suspicious because she doesn't seem to have consumed anything in the past six years or so. Hopefully she was just there to return her heinous Oscar dress to the old lady she stole it from.

Second, who does she think she is? Sure, she happened to be in the number one movie in the country right now, but that doesn't mean you can deny elderly couples their early bird special. Not cool, Kirsten. Not cool.

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